The impact of relationships on our emotional and cognitive development is profound, as discussed in a fascinating podcast where Andrew Huberman interviewed Dr. Allan Schore. They explored how relationships shape our brain, particularly emphasizing the role of the right brain in housing our unconscious mind, which governs much of our decision-making. What struck me was the discussion around defenses and blind spots, which made me reflect deeply on my own experiences.
For much of my life, I leaned heavily on my left brain, prioritizing logic over emotion, especially after the loss of my mother—a significant emotional regulator for me. This imbalance left me emotionally stunted, and it wasn’t until I met my wife that I began to confront my blind spots. Through her support, I learned to unlock the right brain, allowing me to see beyond the limitations of a purely cognitive approach to life.
Music as an Emotional Lens
Reflecting on these realizations, I couldn’t help but think of Esperanza Spalding’s beautiful song Precious. Released in 2008, this piece blends a soft bass melody with moments of rhythmic intensity, perfectly mirroring the push-and-pull of love and conflict expressed in the lyrics.
Two particular passages resonate deeply:
“Set you up, you say I set you up
Like I was different than what I am offering you now
Let you down, you say I let you down
And drug your heart around
Did you forget about
All of the love and the acceptance that you promised me too?”
These lines remind me of fights I’ve had with my wife. As a French person living in Japan, we communicate solely in Japanese. During arguments, the limitations of my vocabulary—and the frustration of expressing emotions in a foreign language—often led me to blame her for not understanding me. But in truth, I was the one failing to understand her. I wasn’t offering the love and acceptance she needed because I was blinded by my defenses and locked in my left brain.
Her patience and emotional insight eventually unlocked my blind spots, helping me reconnect with the emotional side of myself that had been buried since adolescence, especially after my mother’s death. Without this connection, I had become, as I often joke, like Ebenezer Scrooge in my early 30s, locked away from curiosity, passion, and vulnerability.
Synchronizing with Another Brain
“But I’m not gonna sit around
And waste my precious divine energy
Trying to explain and being ashamed
Of what you think is wrong with me”
This refrain encapsulates my wife’s approach and became my wake-up call. Dr. Schore explains that for left-brain-dominant individuals, healing often requires external synchronization with another right brain—a therapist, friend, or loved one. This connection enables us to let down our defenses and open up emotionally, paving the way for self-awareness and growth.
It’s impossible to achieve this level of introspection alone. While we can clear the path by adopting healthy habits and acknowledging our own vulnerabilities, unlocking the full potential of our emotional selves often requires the presence of another person—a catalyst who holds the key to our blind spots.
Building a Collective Future
Dr. Schore’s insights reaffirmed for me the importance of connection. If one relationship can reshape an individual, imagine what synchronized efforts could do for society as a whole. Together, we can strive to build healthier, more empathetic communities.
What about you? Have you ever discovered a blind spot through a meaningful relationship? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below!
Full lyrics
https://genius.com/Esperanza-spalding-precious-lyrics
#tales-posts
Leave a Reply